


The truth within words

by Subaruchan192



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Happy, Idiots in Love, Love, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22680634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192
Summary: 'Dear Rafael,You're gone. It's strange. It’s been a week since you left and yet I can still feel you here. I can feel your eyes on me, but when I turn no one is there. I hear your voice in the hall, but when I go around the corner it's someone else. You are gone, and it is strange, and it makes me sad every time.'One week after Rafael Barba left without a word, Sonny can't stand all those words left unspoken anymore and decides to write a letter to express them. Along the journey, he discovers that he has been in love with Rafael for a long time only to realize that he is too late.Or is he? Let's find out.Contribution to the "BarisiValentine2020" collection for the prompt: love letter.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 52
Collections: Barisi Valentine Prompt Challenge 2020





	The truth within words

**Author's Note:**

> I've picked the prompt "love letter" and tried to go for something less typical. :)

_Dear Rafael_ ,

Sonny blinked and shook his head, scratching out the two simple words from the paper with the fountain pen Rafael had given him after he found out that Sonny had passed the bar. It was nothing complicated, just the salutation, but this was harder than any exam or essay he had ever had to write.

The detective sighed and ran his hand through his salt and pepper hair in frustration until it softened from its neatly gelled form and two big, annoying strands fell onto his forehead; the tips grazing his brow. Sonny groaned and roughly pushed them away from his face while staring at the white paper as if it would tell him what to write. Beginnings always were the hardest but on this sleepless night of tossing and turning, his thoughts were stuck on the turmoil of the past week causing him to do something as antiquated as writing a letter, a _love letter,_ though Sonny hadn’t known it at that point. 

He wanted to express, what he hadn’t been able to tell Rafael, while he had the chance. He was gone. He seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Olivia had told the squad, that Rafael had quitted, because he had become too emotionally involved in the cases, but the cognition that he didn’t even said goodbye to them, to _him_ , stung bitterly in his heart.

He took a deep breath, picked up his pen and tried again:

 _Dear Rafael_ ,

He still wasn’t sure, if he had the right to call Barba like that. The former prosecutor had never offered it, but on the other hand, they weren’t _Counsellor_ and _Detective_ anymore. Well, not _theirs_. Their professional relation was gone and now, Sonny had to find out what was left behind without a counterpart to confirm it. It felt like talking to a ghost, like to a slowly fading memory, which disappeared like sand grains in the wind.

Therefore, Sonny decided to write, what he wanted to without being concerned about how Rafael might take it. It wasn’t like Rafael would ever read it anyway. This here simply was a vent for Sonny to ease the storm of emotions inside his soul.

_You're gone. It's strange. It’s been a week since you left and yet I can still feel you here. I can feel your eyes on me, but when I turn no one is there. I hear your voice in the hall, but when I go around the corner it's someone else. You are gone, and it is strange, and it makes me sad every time._

Sonny closed his eyes and emptied the glass of scotch, which rested beside him. Today had showed him how sad exactly. They had been brooding over another rape case and Sonny had made a judicially statement, swirling around with excitement in his veins, expecting to be met by the well-known, trusted smirk of Rafael only to look into the serious face of Stone and a cold feeling of disappointment had settled in his guts. This moment had made Sonny realize that it hadn’t been just the professional exchange or the judicially discussion he had enjoyed. Sonny had enjoyed to spend time with Rafael and that had thrown his mind into this chaos, which had led him to write a letter to a man, who had left such a big, unexpected hole in his life.

_I truly don’t know, how handle this mess and chaos, which your departure left behind. I feel like I should be mad with you, but all there is only disappointment within me. You were the man I looked up to, but you left without a word. Without granting me the chance of saying good-be and to tell you, what I had to say._

He leaned back and starred at the words, which stood in a messy handwriting on the paper. Had his hand shivered that much?

_How could you do this, Rafael? How could you do such a thing and then leave without an explanation? I don’t know what to think about it. I imagined I knew you and I truly want to believe that you had an honourable motivation, but something deep inside of me doesn’t believe it. You were the most righteous person I know, but everything my parents taught me, how I was raised, is yelling inside of me that it was wrong. I feel torn between those two cognitions and I would have needed to talk with you to sort this out._

Was that egoistic of him? To force him to talk about one his darkest hours only for Sonny to be able to handle it better? To cause Rafael pain so he did feel better about the man, who had been his idol? Because deep inside of him, he longed to get an explanation so he wouldn’t feel this disillusioned anymore.

Sonny buried his head in his hands and fought against the tears, which suddenly burned in his eyes. Those unanswered question hang heavily above him like Damocles’ sword. Normally, he could trust his instincts and his moral compass, but now, it was running wild, making him feel powerless and because Rafael was gone, Damocles’ Sword would never disappear.

_‘Didn’t I deserve a chance of a good-bye? Was the time we spend together irrelevant to you? Did I mean nothing to you?’_

His breath was ragged, when Sonny inhaled sharply and starred at the words, which felt like the key to his pain. In this moment Sonny realised that the real question, which kept him awake, wasn’t why Rafael had done it. The true question was, how much Sonny had meant to him.

_‘Because you did to me, Rafael. More than you could ever possibly know. I wish you wouldn’t have cut me off, when I tried to tell you. I had collected all of my courage to tell you, how much I appreciated that you took me under your wing and how much I admire you as a lawyer, but most of all, how much I love you as a person.’_

Surprised, Sonny looked at the words, which his hand had written without him intending to. _Love_ stood on the white paper, highlighted between all those others words that had left his subconscious without passing his mind. Could it be? Could that be the answer, why it hurt so much that Rafael left, that the pain almost became physical? Was that the reason why it felt as if his heart was shattering into thousands of pieces?

Sonny blinked, while he leaned back in his chair and rested his hand onto his fast beating heart, his fingers clenching into his shirt. In the dark of the night, when the lights were out, he could hear his heart beating the hardest and there was no distraction or escape anymore. He either had to face, what was hidden inside of him or he would deny it forever.

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and blinded out everything despite the sound of the thuds beating against his fingertips and the blood rushing through his ears. With every moment, his breath and thoughts calmed down and Sonny was able to listen to his emotions and his mind began to wander to the memories he shared with Rafael. He remembered the first time they met and the many, long evenings spent together in Rafael’s office. In front of his inner eyes he saw the all the gazes they had exchanged, all their jokes and heated discussion. With every memory that returned, Sonny felt, how his heart was beating faster, warmth spread through his stomach and the electricity of excitement was tingling in his veins.

Sonny sighed and opened his eyes again. He had to admit that it hadn’t just been professional eagerness he had displayed around Rafael in the past two years. It hadn’t been law that had got him all excited. Today’s face off with Stone had proven it all again. It had been all about Rafael: about impressing him, about being noticed by him, about talking to him, about him smiling at _him_.

Slowly, over the time, the idolisation had subsided and had turned into admiration. He hadn’t just seen a man, he wanted to become. He had seen Rafael and that man had fascinated him even more than that idealized version of him ever could.

 _Love_.

Once again, Sonny starred onto the word and this time. It didn’t feel like a warning, like a neon sign anymore. It felt right. It _fitted_.

A deep exhale escaped him as he leaned back and starred up to the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by the strong emotion, which suddenly rose inside of him. He _loved_ Rafael.

With a shivering hand, Sonny took up the fountain pen and crossed out the last sentence.

‘ _I had collected all of my courage to tell you, how much I appreciated that you took me under your wing and how much I admire you as a lawyer, but most of all that I love you.’_

Tears rolled out of his eyes, feeling hot and cold at the same time, carrying the essence of relief and desperation as another realization crept its way into his mind. _Too late_. He was too late.

Desperately, he pressed his hands against his mouth to contain his sobs, because otherwise Sonny felt as if they were going to tear him away. Now that the dam was broken, there was no turning back and no escape from the flood of emotions, which he had locked away, because he had feared, they would never be returned.

He had been too afraid to take the leap of faith and to admit his feelings. He had been too insecure to ignore Rafael’s usual humour and say, what had been on his tongue even back then. Instead, he had lost courage and had felt stupid for believing there might have been more going on between them. That the long gazes and warm smiles had meant more. How could they? Rafael Barba was way out of his league in every aspect. There was no way he would have ever been interested in him and he swallowed hard, blinking the tears out of his lashes.

Sonny lost the feeling of time and space, while drops as precious as pearls rolled silently out of his eyes. He didn’t remember, when had been the last time he had cried like this. Not when his marriage had ended. That had been rather emotionless, because they both had known it had been lost long beforehand and if Sonny was truly honest, he hadn’t had been himself for a long time back then. Over the years, Sonny had got to known that his true nature annoyed most people and caused a lot of trouble that was why- at some points- he had hidden it. He had put on a show to be, who he had thought others wanted him to be, but with the squad and Rafael it had felt as if Sonny had slowly come back to life, shredding off the mask-like cocoon he had hid himself in.

Quickly, he wiped the tears out of his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and almost looked fondly onto the drenched piece of paper in front of him, which carried such a precious cognition within its lines. His fingers brushed over the smeared ink as if he could reach Rafael through it.

_‘Oh, Rafael, how could I have been so blind? You’ve taught me to always pay attention to the smallest things and yet, I was not able to understand, what my heart was telling me. Now, you left with a piece of it and you do not even know it._

_Would you want to hear it that I love you? How would you have reacted, if I had told you in the courthouse’s hallway? Would you have been stunned? Happy? Would you have blushed? How would you feel, when you heard that you’re loved? I still do with all my heart. What you did hasn’t changed it and I wish I would be able to tell you that. Not just for my salvation, but for yours, too. I know, how kind your heart is and even though you believed it to be right thing, you are going to carry a heavy burden and blame yourself. You’re going to find yourself guilty even though the jury didn’t. You’re too righteous to feel otherwise and I’m concerned that the darkness of guilt is going to swallow you.’_

Sonny's smile turned sad and he closed his eyes.

_'I wish, you would answer me just once so that I know, you're fine. I don’t need much. Just a word and I would leave you alone afterwards, if that is what you wish. I just can't stand the thought that you believed you had to deal with it alone, because you expected us to despise or hate you. That we, that I, wouldn't be there for you. Maybe I was foolish, maybe I saw too much in it, but I believed us to be friends. No matter if you feel the same for me, I would always be there for you. You don't have to keep up the hard shell around me. I enjoy every side of you. Whether it was the hours spent in your office or in Liv's flat with the squad. I did not see the prosecutor, I saw you and the man in front of me was the most beautiful I've ever seen.’_

Finding out about his feelings for Rafael was like finally putting in the missing puzzle piece. Suddenly, so many things, so many thoughts and reaction of his, he hadn’t been able to understand, made sense. It felt as if his gaze and mind were finally clear and he was able to see, what had been there all along. Every behaviour of Sonny suddenly appeared in a different light.

_‘I’ve never had such strong emotions for anyone as I had for you, Rafael. You are the most fascinating man I’ve ever met and from the first moment I saw you, I was enthralled by you, but that was why I hid my feelings. You would never love someone like me. How could you? Therefore, I decided to be content to simply spend time with you and try to gain your appreciation, because I knew, I could never expect more and these little bits were better than nothing, but to achieve that, I had to hide a bit of myself in order to protect me from the pain of knowing that my feelings would never be returned._

_How stupid of me, right? I should have known that they would break free at one point. I couldn’t pretend for ever and actually I didn’t want to anymore, because I would have to withdraw myself from you otherwise and that was something I never wanted. For that I enjoyed every moment we spent together too much. With you around, I felt like a teenager again. My heart raced and butterflies flew inside my stomach, whenever you were around. I was nervous, excited, my throat becoming dry. It felt like coming alive, like blossoming._

_Geez, I’m making such a fool out of me. You would laugh at me, if you ever read this.’_

He laughed about himself and shook his head.

‘ _It’s just…_ ’

Sonny took a deep breath, wondering if he should write down, what was itching in his fingers, but on the other hand, Rafael would never get to read it anyway. So why should he even bother restraining himself?

A deep sigh escaped him as if the old fatigue of denying his feelings escaped with the air, revealing, what he still had tried to hide.

‘ _You are the best lawyer I have ever got to know and I learned so much from you- not just in law- and I wish, I would have been able to tell you, how grateful I am for everything you did for me- which is far more than you likely know. Without you, I wouldn’t be the man I am today and I hope, I turned into one you would be proud of._

_I miss you, Rafael. Dearly. Every day, every hour, every minute and every moment. I still hope, it’s just a nightmare, but with every new day, it becomes clearer that my hope is in vain. You won’t be coming back into the precinct with a wide smirk on your face, telling us it’s so good to be back and that the suspension is finally over. You’re gone and you’re not coming back, but I will still be waiting, hoping that might one day you and I can be a part of your life again._

_Farewell, Rafael. I hope you are happy wherever you are. You deserve this._

_With all my love,_

_Sonny.’_

Shakily, he inhaled, when he rested his fountain pen down, starring at the words, which carried and had revealed his heart. The entire process had been mentally exhausting and yet, Sonny felt at peace. It was a conclusion, an end, and every word that had haunted his mind was finally free. The feelings of a love, whose time hadn’t come yet, were now eternalized on white paper for ever.

~*~

Sonny Carisi was a patient man, if he wanted to be, and this was rewarded half a year later. He had written short messages to Rafael every now and again to offer a hand, if needed. Sonny simply hadn’t been able to let him go. His concerns about the man, who was in his heart, had been too strong.

Sonny had to wait half a year, until his attempts had gained a reaction. It had been a warm, almost too hot summer evening, when a simple question had appeared out of the depths of a log, which had been dead for long.

_‘Do you have time tonight?’_

Sonny had almost missed the message. It had been a busy week and he had been flooded by messages from Olivia, Amanda and Stone that Rafael’s silent call for help had almost been left unheard. Luckily, Sonny had been scrolling through his messages, because he had looked for one, and noticed it.

His heart had pounded in his chest, when the words had shone on his display. His mouth had suddenly been dry and he had drunk half of his water glass- which had gained Amanda’s attention, but Sonny would be grateful forever that she hadn’t lost a word on it.

Sonny had been glad, when he had seen Rafael. He might look a little more tired than before, his eyes a little darker, but he had been still the same. His wits and eyes had been as sharp as his mouth and a few minutes in, after overcoming the awkward silence of what had happened, it had felt like back in the old days.

To be honest, though, Sonny hadn’t known what to make out of it. It had felt a little like pretending. Pretending that February hadn’t happened. Maybe it had been exactly that and it had only felt strange to Sonny, because he had developed afterwards. He had learned to live with Rafael’s departure. It had felt like Rafael hadn’t known him anymore. As if he had been oblivious to Sonny and his feelings. Their connection had changed in this half year and therefore Rafael had meant more to him, but his former mentor couldn’t have known that.

Rafael obviously had tried for a comfortable, nice atmosphere, but he had been tip toeing around the actual topic, which had hung heavily above them. They had been close once, before all this, but in that bar, the passed time had kept them apart like a canyon gaping between them.

Still, Sonny had been so relieved to see that Rafael was himself. It had been all that had mattered to him. Rafael had appeared to be fine, though Sonny had been aware, how good he was at hiding it. It had felt like a tremble was shivering in the deepest layer of the atmosphere and the detective had felt Rafael hadn’t been feeling comfortable. That he had been hiding something, but he hadn’t been able to quite grasp it.

They had talked a lot and yet had avoided actual talking. Over beer and scotch they had a conversation like on every other night, but Rafael’s deeds had hung above them.

Rafael hadn’t been sure, if he should have brought the topic up. Sonny had noticed it in the way his fingers had drummed more than usual against the tumbler and how his tongue had wetted his lips. For years, Sonny had watched him closely- though unintentionally- and therefore he had known all those little gestures of Rafael and how to read them. Seeing him like that had been strange and unsettling.

At some point, however, Rafael had sighed heavily. Staring into the deep brown liquid, he had asked Sonny with a trembling voice to say what he had to say. To get it over and done with. Rafael had looked so sad and miserable in that moment it had broken Sonny’s heart. The guilt and pain of his deeds had shimmered in his eyes and all Sonny had wanted to do was to hug him tight until he felt better, but he hadn’t been able to. Sonny had been pretty sure that Rafael hadn’t been able to endure physical contact in this moment of vulnerability. Rafael Barba was confident, but when he was overwhelmed with emotions, he didn't know how to deal with them.

Therefore, Sonny had just asked, how Rafael had been and the normally calm, composed man had suddenly appeared so lost and confused. His eyes had been blown wide, because apparently, Rafael had expected to be insulted instead of receiving compassion.

It had been that moment that Rafael had broken. Tears had dripped into his scotch, dancing through the liquid, while he had revealed that he had expected Sonny to tell him that he despised him. It had been the first time Rafael had put down his mask entirely and Sonny had been able to see everything of the man he loved and adored. In this precious moment of time, he had fallen even more for him. It had felt like Rafael’s picture had finally been completed.

Before Sonny had even realised it, his hand had rested on Rafael’s. It had been soft, warm and had felt incredibly wonderful. The butterflies inside his stomach had cheered, scattering excitedly into every direction. It had felt right. It had been as if the hand had belonged there, but apparently Rafael hadn't felt that way. The moment Sonny’s hand had touched his skin, he had pulled his away and Sonny’s heart had broken a little. It had felt like his love had been rejected, though Sonny had known that it hadn’t been like that. This situation had been far more complicated.

Then, Rafael had revealed, why he had reacted that way. He had told him about the domestic violence his mother and he had to endure in his childhood. Sonny’s stomach had clenched more with every broken word Rafael had spoken. All the pain of his past had shimmered in every syllable and shaky intake of breath. In this moment, Sonny had known that Rafael had never spoken about all of it and it had made him happy. It shouldn’t have, Sonny had been aware of it, but it had made his heart beat faster, because he had been the only one knowing this about Rafael Barba.

Still Sonny had felt the urge to wrap his arms around him and to hold him tight until that moment of weakness had been over for him. The words _I love you_ had almost slipped from his tongue, which had been loosened by the alcohol, but Sonny had known that Rafael wouldn’t have wanted to hear any of it though it seemed like he would have needed it. It would have felt like pity to him even though that hadn’t been true. Rafael Barba simply had been that kind of man. A man, who had always dealt with everything on his own, but on that hot summer evening he had decided to share his pain with Sonny. To let him in and in this moment, Sonny had thought that he might have been good for Rafael. For some reason, Sonny had been able to give Rafael something only he had been able to. A feeling of safety and trust.

It had been this cognition that had made Sonny reveal something of him, too. He had told Rafael about what those bullies had done to him in order to prove to Rafael that he had felt the same. Beautiful, blown-wide eyes had starred at him and in this moment, there had been a strong bond manifesting between them.

Sonny had walked him home afterwards in a dating-fashioned way, although this hadn’t been a date, but Sonny had wanted to prove something and Rafael had been too intelligent not to notice it.

The streets of New York had been humid and muggy, but none of them had cared. They had wanted to relish in their silent bond for a little longer, before it would likely crumble back to dust. This had been, what Sonny had asked for. Meeting Rafael one last time to ease his heart and he had given him that. To ask for more would have been egoistic and selfish. Sonny had known that Rafael had only met him, because otherwise Sonny wouldn’t have stopped texting him and on top of that, Sonny had brought up more unpleasant things. And yet, Rafael still walked with him, hadn’t run away from him. To be precise he had walked almost too close to him as if he had searched for his closeness.

They hadn’t talked on their way back to Rafael’s home, which hadn’t been far from the bar, but their shirts had been glued to their skin by the time they had arrived and sadness flooded through the streets, when they had turned towards each other to say good-bye.

This time, Sonny would have got his good-bye, but he hadn’t been sure, if he had been ready. They had stood there, uncomfortably shuffling from feet to feet, not knowing what to say, because they hadn’t known, what the other had wanted. If this had been supposed to be a good-bye or not and both of them had been afraid to take a step the other hadn’t wanted.

The air had become even heavier and thicker than it already had been as they had starred into each other’s eyes, longing shimmering in irises as blue as the ocean and as green as an ancient forest.

“Well, then.”, Sonny had said with a faint, uncertain smile flickering around the corners of his mouth. “It was good to see you again, Ba…”

He had stopped, his voice trailing off, when Rafael had raised an eyebrow and had looked so very much like the man he had fallen in love with head over heels. The same charm of sarcasm, the arrogant, beautiful confidence. Rafael had told him to use his first name, because there hadn’t been any professional relation between them anymore. He had still persisted on not calling him Sonny, though.

“Rafael.”, he corrected. The name had still felt weird on his tongue, so much that Sonny hadn’t noticed that Rafael had already given him a hint of what he had wanted. He hadn’t been able to see the small, happy flicker around Rafael’s mouth. Sonny had been very oblivious on that evening.

“Yes, it was.” Rafael’s voice had been soft and as warm as the summer night and still, Sonny had missed the shine in his eyes. He had grown too used to the thought that a man like Rafael would never really see him- especially not as equal or a considerable love interest.

Still, their hearts had felt so close to each other as if they had been beating in the space between them. Both had starred at each other, trying to draw out the moment, both hoping for a final chance, praying that one of them would have dared to make the first step.

“Thank you for meeting up with me. I’m glad to see you’re alright.” When the moment had become awkwardly long, Sonny’s posture had slumped and he had teared away. He had squeezed his eyes shut and therefore had missed the sharp gleam of disappointment running through Rafael’s eyes. “I always wanted to thank you for all the times you tutored me.”

“Oh…” Rafael had blinked and exhaled deeply. “It’s fine. I hope you don’t let me down.”

Sonny had swallowed and nodded, both of their hearts breaking in this moment.

“Farewell, Rafael.” The words appeared too grave and big for his throat so that he had almost not been able to say them. “I hope you’re going to have a good life.”

“Thank you. I hope you, too.” Rafael’s voice had trembled and he had looked up one last time. Sadness had been entwined with every fibre of their eyes, the moment feeling too hard to endure. “Good-bye…Sonny.”

At the sound of his chosen nickname, Sonny’s heart had leapt in joy and yet had shattered in sadness. With a hanging head, he had nodded, swallowing hard to suppress his tears. He hadn’t been able to look up one last time to see the shattered pieces of his heart. Instead, he had abruptly pulled away so that Rafael wouldn’t see the truth, but with every step he had increased the distance between them, his heart had pulled him back, telling him that he shouldn’t miss another chance. That the longing he had felt in the air hadn’t been an illusion.

His steps had slowed down and he had turned his head around to see how Rafael had walked up to his front door- a picture of misery. His postured had been slumped, his head hanging down. In this moment Sonny had realised that Rafael felt exactly the same like him. That he had messed up their last chance because of his fear.

“Rafael! Wait!”, he had called out and Rafael had stopped his steps. Hurriedly, Sonny had run back to him, through the gate and over the little path leading to the front door.

“What is it?”, Rafael had asked and this time, Sonny hadn’t missed the tremble in his voice and how he had tried to hide it. Instead deep, green eyes had looked up at him, hope and fear glistening in them this time. Rafael had appeared so vulnerable in this moment as their breaths had mingled together in the warm night.

“I can’t miss another chance.”, Sonny had whispered. While breathing heavily from his little sprint, Sonny had stepped closer and into Rafael’s intimate space, but he hadn’t pulled away. “I can’t endure the thought of leaving again without telling you, what’s truly on my mind.”

Rafael had blinked confused, tilting his head into his neck to stare into Sonny’s eyes, which had been incredibly warm and blurred. Sonny had known, he had to be daring to break through Rafael’s caution and therefore he had cupped the other man’s cheek. By God, it had felt so good. The skin underneath his fingertips had been warm and smooth and Sonny had remembered how many times he had longed to touch the man of his dreams like this.

Rafael had gasped, his eye blown wide, but he hadn’t pulled away. No, he had even pressed his cheek slightly into his hand and Sonny had known then that he had felt the same.

“I can’t endure the thought of you disappearing out of my life again. Like ever.” His forehead had dropped onto Rafael’s, both of them standing almost painfully close, their bodies and souls longing to finally take the last step, but Sonny had to put into words first, what he had needed to say. “I can’t let you go, Rafael. Not again.”

“So…Sonny…”, he had stammered, his fingers twitching, because they hadn’t known, what to do. Had the situation not been too much for the former prosecutor, Sonny would have found the confusion shining in his eyes amusing, but in this moment, it had only filled him with softness.

“Please, don’t go again. Please, let my stay by your side.” Sonny had dissolved and starred deeply into his eyes. “Would that be okay with you?”

Rafael had opened his mouth, only to close it again, obviously overwhelmed and yet, he hadn’t moved away.

“Can I kiss you?” His thumb had tenderly brushed over Rafael’s cheekbone, love shining in the deep, blue sapphires of his eyes, while Rafael’s normally sharp mind had tried to process all the information.

Rafael still hadn’t said a word, but he had tilted his head back a little further, unknowingly getting onto his toes to move closer towards Sonny’s face. Sonny had wrapped his other arm loosely around his hip. Their lips had been only inches away, both their hearts beating furiously, the moment extending into infinity, while Sonny had waited.

“Yes.”, Rafael had then finally whispered with a broken voice and Sonny’s heart had been sat back together, jumping in pure happiness. Slowly, still giving Rafael the chance to back out, he had leaned in. Their hot breaths had danced across their skins in a tango, while Rafael had put his arms around him, too.

Many times in the past half a year, Sonny had dreamed how it would feel like to kiss Rafael Barba. How his lips would have tasted on his, but nothing, absolutely nothing, could have compared to the feelings, which had rushed through his veins.

Rafael’s lips had been warm, tasting after scotch and yet carrying a nuance, which was unmistakeable him- hard to describe: fancy, incredibly elegant and very addicting. Just like all of him.

The kiss had stayed chaste, but it hadn’t diminished its impact on the both of them, because it had felt as if a dream came true. It had been perfect. There had been no other words to describe it and it had been worth all the wait and heartache.

They had laughed embarrassed, when they had dissolved and this time, Rafael had snuggled his forehead against Sonny’s.

“And why did we wait so long again?”, he had asked, a relieved laughter in his voice.

“No idea.”, Sonny had answered happily, his voice as bright as Rafael had known it and he had pulled him closer.

“Do you want to come in?” Rafael’s eyes had shone like the stars and it had taken Sonny’s breath away. Eagerly, he had nodded, which had made Rafael laugh again. Hand in hand they had walked through Rafael’s front door. No one of them had been willing to ever let the other go ever since. 

~*~

Half a year later, Sonny stood in his way too small kitchen. A kitchen so small that it was a wonder he was even able to move within it at all, but Sonny did it with ease while humming a canzonetta. He was always in a good mood, but today he was buzzing from happiness and energy, almost dancing through his kitchen, while stirring in tomato sauce, which was simmering peacefully in a big pot.

Today marked Rafael’s and his half-a-year anniversary and it also happened to be Valentine’s day. If this wasn’t destiny, then Sonny didn’t know what else and this casted a wide, happy smile all over his face. A smile so bright, that Rafael normally would roll his eyes about it, but not today. Today, there was magic all around them and Sonny wanted to wrap himself into the cosy, fluffy atmosphere.

In their first night, they had sat on Rafael’s terrace all night long with more scotch and beer, talking about everything and nothing, while they had listened to the song of the cicadas until the sun had risen again. That night had felt like a dream and Sonny had wanted to preserve this moment for ever. To carry Rafael’s laugh in his heart until the end of time.

When Sonny had walked back home through the streets of New York, Rafael’s good-bye kiss still resting on his lips, and his heart had drummed a furious staccato in his ears, he hadn’t been able to believe that the last 24 hours had happened. It had felt so unreal.

But here they were- 6 months later and it still felt like a dream. To their own surprise, they worked effortlessly as if they were simply meant to be. Sonny had been nervous, when he had told the squad that he was in a relationship with Rafael, but they had reacted as if he had told them it was going to be warm tomorrow. Amanda had muttered something that had sounded suspiciously like _finally_ and Olivia had only smiled warmly, this wonderful, soft smile she always had and had congratulated him, before she had warned him not to screw it up with her best friend. Not that Sonny intended that.

Sonny heard how the door opened and the corners of his mouth lifted even a little higher- just not that high that he looked like Heath Ledger as Joker. That would have been creepy.

Although they worked so well, they hadn’t moved in together yet, because Rafael still didn’t feel ready for it. Sonny would right away, if he asked, but Sonny knew that he had a head start in this. He had known that was in love with Rafael for half a year longer - though they hadn’t said it to each other yet, although they knew it deep inside their hearts. Despite that Rafael still felt a little overwhelmed, because Sonny showered him with love and he wasn’t used to it. Therefore, they kept their safe havens, although Sonny spent almost every free minute in Rafael’s townhouse.

Just when a dinner date was planned, they met in Sonny’s flat. Even though Rafael’s kitchen was way better equipped, on the ingredients level it was a disaster and Sonny hadn’t changed that, because he had felt as if he interfered. It might have made Rafael uncomfortable.

“Sonny?” He grinned boyishly, when Rafael’s warm voice flooded through the hallway.

“Kitchen.”, Sonny called out and he heard his love’s steps tapping over the floor. He would recognize them anywhere. Just a moment later, Rafael popped his head into the kitchen. He had already taken off his tie, jacket and vest, his sleeves rolled up, exposing the wonderful forearms and the smallest hint of chest hair poked out of his opened collar.

“That smells amazing.”, Rafael said with a warm smile. “What are you cooking?”

“Bruschetta, Saltimbocca alla Rommana and Tiramisu.”, he explained and finally turned around to truly look at his love, while wiping his hands on the apron. Every time he saw the other man’s face, it felt like the sun was raising again and he couldn’t help, but smile. Immediately, Rafael returned it, his emerald’s shining like the most precious gems.

“You’re spoiling me.”, he said appreciatively and walked up to him, stepping so close to Sonny that their upper arms were touching.

“You deserve it.”, Sonny said casually, but his heart was flapping from nervousness. “I actually planned to cook something Cuban, but I got a little anxious about messing it up and therefore stuck to what I know.”

“Sonny.”, Rafael chided him half-heartedly, but with a soft smile, wrapping his arms around the slim hips and glancing lovingly into Sonny’s blue eyes.

At first, Sonny had tried to hide, how anxious he was sometimes. Especially in Rafael’s presence, he had tried to keep his cool, but it had been in vain. Rafael was way too observant and vigilant to miss it. One day, when it had been quite bad, he had taken Sonny’s hand and had sat down with him, talking calmly with him through this matter. Rafael had ensured that he didn’t need to be afraid and could talk with him about it.

It still had needed a bit, but within the past half a year, Sonny had slowly learned to reveal it to Rafael, when he was nervous and itching.

“I know.” He sighed and his shoulders slumped. “I just want to do it right.”

“You are doing this right.”, Rafael assured with his wonderful, tender tone and gently stroked over his cheek. “I love everything you cook, because you put your heart into it. Don’t push yourself so hard.”

“Okay.” Sonny nodded and took a deep breath to calm his thoughts, before they started to run wild again. “Let’s try again, shall we?”

With a soft smile on his face he looked at him, the nervousness subsiding with every moment he starred into those fond, green eyes.

“Hey.”, Sonny said warmly and stroked over Rafael’s cheekbone, the kindest smile on his lips.

“Hey.”, Rafael replied, his face just as loving and they kissed each other tenderly. “Happy anniversary and Valentine’s day.”

“You already said it this morning.”

“Yes, and now, you’re making me dinner and it needs to be said again.”, Rafael insisted determinedly and cupped Sonny’s cheek, stern eyes looking into his.

“I…” Sonny wanted to protest with a faint blush on his cheeks, saying that it was not a big deal, but then he sighed and smiled. “Thank you. Happy anniversary and Valentine’s day to you, too.”

Rafael smiled contently and gently kissed him again, before letting him go, but Sonny didn’t want any inch between them. Not, when he had longed to be back together with Rafael all day. Before Rafael was able to distance from him, Sonny put his arms around him and pulled him back closer, cupping Rafael’s cheek.

“How was your job interview?”, he asked the question, which had burned on his tongue the entire day. Rafael only started the job hunt two weeks ago. Beforehand, he had used the time the figure some unsolved stuff out- like he had called. It. Sonny knew that a major part of it was his childhood and what he had done to Drew. Despite that Rafael simply had enjoyed it to have time, to slow down after not being able to take a break for years.

The dean of the Columbia had invited Rafael for a job interview for a tutor position with a prospect of tenure. Sonny had been excited, when Rafael had told him about it. He was sure that Rafael would be an excellent teacher, but he had not been that convinced.

“Good, I guess.” Rafael stayed silent for a moment, a thoughtful expression hanging over his eyes. “Do you truly believe I’d be a good teacher?”

“Yes.”, Sonny confirmed without hesitation and nodded, an encouraging smile on his lips. “I’m the best example.”

“If you’re my best reference, then that’s not very helpful, Sonny.”, Rafael teased with a slight smirk twitching around the corners of his mouth.

“Hey!” Sonny laughed and glared playfully at his boyfriend. Rafael’s eyes sparkled from amusement, but then he pressed his cheek into Sonny’s warm, big hand. It was those little gestures, which made his heart jump in joy. Rafael always expressed a lot in little things. A slight twitch of the mouth, a flare of the nostrils, a gleam in his eyes or a touch, which appeared incidentally, but carried a lot. This time he only slightly turned his head to snuggle deeper into Sonny’s touch to feel it more. “No, seriously, Rafa, I believe you’d be great. You taught me a lot and you’re really good in explaining things. As long as you don’t lose patience.”

For a moment, Rafael appeared a little embarrassed by the praise, but the smile on his lips was radiant. Sonny couldn’t help, but to lean down and place a soft kiss onto his lips. Rafael sighed happily, his hand cupping Sonny’s cheek, gently pulling him a little closer.

“When are you going to know more?”

“By the end of the week.”, Rafael declared and then dissolved to Sonny displeasure, though he knew he only did so he could continue cooking.

“Good, I have my fingers crossed.”

“Thank you.” Rafael’s voice expressed how much he appreciated it that someone believed in him. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“Actually, yes there is.” Sonny nodded. “I thought we could use some nicer dishes for our dinner.”

“What? Are the Ikea plates not nice enough?”, Rafael teased sarcastically with a smirk.

“Raf!”, Sonny warned and glared again at him, though he loved Rafael’s humour and couldn’t contain a little twitch of his mouth. Rafael laughed and waited for Sonny to give him a task. “It’s in the dining room cupboard.”

“You have a dining room?”

“Careful there. Don’t you know never to mess with the chef?” Sonny turned around and poked Rafael with the cooking spoon with a grin on his own lips.

“Otherwise?” Rafael leaned casually against the countertop with his legs crossed elegantly, not even slightly impressed by Sonny’s threat and with an almost cheeky smile on his face, an eyebrow raised sceptically.

“No dinner for you.”, he announced with a serious tone, while he knelt down to the oven to check the state of the Bruschetta.

“What?” Rafael gasped and Sonny wasn’t sure, if he was acting or if it was honest. Therefore, Sonny decided to answer with a softer voice:

“You heard me.”

“Fine.” His boyfriend sighed and stepped up next to him. “So, you truly intent on wasting my talent for setting up the table?”

“Yes.”, Sonny replied, nodding contently about the Bruschetta and got back up. “I’ve seen many crime scenes in my life. I don’t need to see you butchering a veal cutlet.”

“What? I’m not that bad in…” Rafael’s protest fell silent, when he saw Sonny’s raised eyebrow and he exhaled deeply. “Okay, let’s just say my cooking style is unique.”

“That I’d sign.” Sonny huffed and chuckled. “You have many talents, Rafa, but cooking definitely isn’t one of them.”

“Well, I had no one, who taught me it.” Rafael grumbled and Sonny stopped, blinking in surprise. He huffed and put down the spoon with which he had just tasted the tomato sauce. Slowly, he turned back around to Rafael with a questioning gaze in his eyes. His boyfriend truly appeared a little sour as if it was bothering him that he wasn’t of any use for Sonny.

“I know.”, Sonny therefore said with a warm, conciliatory voice and reached out to take Rafael’s hand. “And every other day I love to show you how to do it, but today it's a bit time-critical, okay?”

Before Rafael was able to give a reply, Sonny tenderly kissed his hand and the shadow over his boyfriend’s face disappeared.

“Okay.”, he whispered, his voice softer and it appeared as if Rafael was surprised himself, how much it bothered him. “It’s just…”

He paused for a moment and inhaled deeply, pinching his eyebrows. Exposing a potential weakness, even though it wasn’t one, still was difficult for Rafael.

“It still amazes that you know how to.”

“My mother always made sure that dinner was ready at 6pm so we could eat together. To achieve that with five people everyone had to help.” Sonny shrugged carelessly.

“That actually sounds nice.”, Rafael whispered and there was a strange flicker in his voice. Sonny frowned, but then the realization hit him hard as the sad, almost pained words from half a year ago echoed in his mind.

“You never had something like that.”, he whispered, while he turned down the stove and turned around to him. Rafael’s head was lowered, an unknown, deep sadness resting in his gaze as he shook his head.

“Rarely, but to be honest, I wasn’t very keen of eating together. The few times we had were a charade. My father ate, while mother and I didn’t dare to say a word. I hated every moment of it. The only pleasant memories were those of when I ate at my grandmother’s, but I was on my own most of the time.” The pain of an unlucky childhood filled the room and made Sonny’s heart clench. 

“I’m sorry.” Sad, blue eyes looked at Rafael, who shook his head once again. “Come here for a moment.”

“It’s not your fault.” Rafael sighed, trying to hide behind his mask again. “And it cannot be changed.”

“No.” With a quick step, he covered the distance between them and hugged Rafael tight, who startled for a moment, because there was resting so much in the depth of the embrace. So many words and emotions, which none of them had expressed yet. “But that doesn’t mean, you’re not allowed to be sad about it or to feel hurt.”

Sonny tried to put all his comfort into his voice as he rested his chin on top of Rafael’s head, holding him close to provide a feeling, which he had missed for most of his life and his beloved slowly relaxed again, an ancient tension of being aware of his words fading out of him.

“Dinner…”, Rafael tried to back out one last time, not willing or ready to show, how hurt he truly was.

“Can wait.”, Sonny assured as he cupped the back of his head and comfortingly wrapped his other arm around him. “You’re far more important.”

The moment Rafael was completely surrounded by Sonny’s presence a slight tremble ran through his body and after even some more of hesitation, he rested his head against his collarbone and clenched into the back of Sonny’s shirt.

“I’ve got you, Rafa.” He nodded and swallowed heavily, while trying to control his breathing. It was obvious that he didn’t feel comfortable, especially because he thought he had ruined their anniversary, but Sonny truly didn’t care about it. Quite contrary; he was glad that Rafael began to open up to him and didn’t try to hide everything behind his biting, endearing sarcasm anymore.

Rafael rested his head on Sonny’s chest, listening to the soft, slow thuds of his heart and the alluring, warm feeling of love, which spread around him like an extra hug. Slowly, his breath evened and the tension faded more out of his body as Sonny continued to rub his back comfortingly.

They stood like this for quite a while, but Sonny would have hold Rafael like this until the end of time, if this was what he needed. If it could grant Rafael some of the emotions he had been missing for a while in his life. This knowledge hurt Sonny, because Rafael deserved to be loved. To be held, comforted and protected. He simply wasn’t able to wrap his head around it that Rafael’s father could have done such things to him and yet, it made Sonny admiration for Rafael even stronger. Against all odds, he had become the strongest, kindest and most righteous man Sonny had ever known.

He closed his eyes as he rested his nose into Rafael’s dark hair, inhaling the herb, warm scent of his musk and even though the situation was serious, he couldn’t help but notice, how much he loved the smell of it. It was a scent which suited Rafael perfectly.

He noticed with relief, how the grip in his shirt eased and strong arms wrapped around his waist. Melancholy didn’t rule over this embrace anymore. Instead, Rafael snuggled into the embrace, enjoying the feeling of being hold. Tenderly, Sonny placed a kiss into his hair and he sighed happily underneath him.

“Thank you.”, were the simple words he said as he glanced up into Sonny’s eyes and a grateful smile rested on his lips. As if it was the first time that someone didn’t take advantage of him exposing a supposed weakness.

“You’re welcome.”, Sonny said with all of his undeclared love in his voice. “You can be, who you are with me. I care for you.”

“Sonny…” For a moment, Rafael still appeared taken aback, but then a bright, lovely smile spread over his face as he nodded. “Okay.”

Sonny’s heart leapt in joy and he couldn’t contain his happy grin as he leaned down to catch the wonderful lips of the man, he loved with all his heart. Rafael sighed and cupped the back of his head, pulling him closer and it felt as if Rafael tried to express his gratitude with the kiss, though he didn’t have to. It was natural to Sonny. He didn’t just love one part of Rafael. It was all of him, which enthralled him.

“Cupboard, you said?”, Rafael asked, when he dissolved, showing he wanted to leave the topic behind.

“Hmmhmm.” Sonny nodded and kissed him briefly, before cupping his cheek, indicating to Rafael that he didn’t need to hide, but Rafael only looked fondly in his eyes and covered the taller man’s hand with his. Sonny nodded, because he understood and caressed the prominent cheekbone. “Thank you, Rafa.”

“The things I do for you, Sonny.” A deep exhale escaped the former prosecutor, but his eyes gleamed with the well-known shine of amusement. “Even such ordinary things as setting up the table.”

“It will be worth it. I promise.”

“I know.” Rafael smiled and then turned around to leave for the small part of Sonny’s living room, which was dedicated to eating dinner. Sonny looked after him with a tender expression in his eyes, but then got the cutlet and Parma ham out of the fridge. Carefully, he pounded the meat and then put the ham and a leave of sage onto it.

“The one with the golden brim?”, Rafael asked from behind the bar, where he knelt on the floor, rummaging through the small, unremarkable cupboard in a niche.

“Yes, exactly and the matching cutlery, please.”, Sonny confirmed, while he melted butter in a pan. “There are also cut-glass glasses in it.”

“Oh, are we going all out on it?”

“Well, it’s our half-a- year anniversary and Valentine’s day. Let’s go the whole hog.”

“You’re right.” Rafael’s voice was warm and there was the clang of porcelain as the dishes were taken out of their hiding spot.

It continued peacefully like that for a while. Sonny cooked their dinner, while Rafael set up the table, but Sonny was so focused on his task that he didn’t notice that there was no sound coming from the dining area of the living room.

“Sonny?”, came a hesitant question from Rafael.

“Yes?”

“Why’s there an envelope addressed to me in your cutlery drawer?” The moment the question was out Sonny froze in his place, his heart beating in his throat.

“Oh, I totally forgot about it.”

“Sonny?” Rafael sounded concerned and that woke him up. Why was he embarrassed? The letter contained his feelings for Rafael. Feelings, which were returned and yet, he felt how his cheeks flushed in a slight pink.

“Come, let us sit down. Do you want something to drink?” Sonny sighed and put the saltimbocca in the oven together with the Bruschetta so that it stayed warm.

“Is it that bad we need to be drunk for this?”, he asked and tilted his head.

“At least I do.”, Sonny explained with a shrug, pinched his eyebrow, went to the fridge and got himself a beer. Rafael frowned as he walked up to him with the bottle in his hand.

“Why?” He looked at him concerned as he sat down next to Sonny, reaching out for his hand to cover it with his. His hand was warm and the touch gentle, the well-manicured thumb brushing over his.

“Because it’s embarrassing.”, Sonny explained and sighed deeply, refraining to look into Rafael’s deep, green eyes. “It’s a letter I wrote to you one week after you left. To express all those things, I’d never said.”

“You never sent it.”, Rafael stated with a calm voice. A little too calm for Sonny to be honest, but how could he not be? He had no idea that this envelope contained Sonny’s heart. That they were only minutes away from a crossroad.

“Of course not.”, he said and flinched the moment he heard that his voice was harsher than he had intended. Rafael didn’t startle, but his frown deepened, a questioning glaze shimmering in his eyes. Contritely, he lowered his head and exhaled. “Sorry. It’s just…it’s very personal and you’d laughed at me, if I sent it to you.”

“What?” Shocked, Rafael widened his eyes and he leaned back in his chair. “That’s what you believe?”

Sonny pressed his lips together until they were a thin line, his ears becoming red from shame and he avoided Rafael’s eyes as he nodded.

“Sonny…” The deep voice was smooth and encouraging. Therefore, Sonny lifted his head with a trembling heart. To his surprise, there was no blame in Rafael’s eyes. No, they were rather calm, almost a little sad as he squeezed his hand. “I may have been annoyed or amused by you, but I would never laugh at you. Or anyone.”

“I know, now.”, he admitted and lowered his eyes again. “But back then, we were hanging in air, weren’t we? I’d no idea, what was going on between us.”

“To be fair, I didn’t either.” Rafael’s voice was warm and comforting just as much as the anchoring touch of his hand or the tender caress of his thumb. “I only knew you awoke stronger reactions in me than anyone else had in a long time.”

Sonny opened his eyes and looked back up. Rafael’s eyes were green like a forest in summer and his heart began to beat faster, his throat becoming tight. Half a year and Sonny still couldn’t believe how lucky he was or how hard he had fallen for the man sitting next to him. They had found their everyday rhythm and yet, nothing of it had become normality. Sonny hoped it would forever be that way, but he wasn’t sure, if Rafael felt the same way. According to Sonny’s impression this between them was pretty serious, but Rafael Barba was hard to assess in this regard. It was the only field he wasn’t able to read his micro expressions.

“May I read it?” Sonny had expected this question, but yet it made his heart pound in his throat.

“Well, it’s addressed to you.” He shrugged, trying to keep his cool, but he was sure that Rafael would see through him. The Cuban tilted his head, crinkling his nose slightly, while his right hand drummed on the white envelope. “And it’s not like it’s a secret.”

Despite that it contained the secret that he was in love with Rafael. Those words written in the dark of the night were his heart, but Sonny feared he might reveal it too early.

“If you don’t want me to read it, Sonny, then I won’t.”, Rafael assured and slid the envelope back to him.

“Really?” Sonny blinked in surprise, although he actually shouldn’t be. Rafael had always respected a humans’ right. Nothing happened without explicit consent and Rafael was way to perspective to miss that Sonny was uncomfortable.

“Of course.” The frown on Rafael’s forehead deepened as if he felt hurt by Sonny’s doubts and somehow, that moved him greatly. Never before Sonny had felt this comfortable and protected with someone else. He trusted Rafael. He always had.

“Okay…” He exhaled and handed the letter back to him. “Just don’t laugh, please.”

“You truly make me curious, now, Sonny.” Rafael laughed and carefully opened the envelope. Sonny swallowed and took a deep sip from his beer to hide his nervousness as Rafael unfolded the white stationery with his well-manicured fingers- Sonny had written it down neatly after finishing his draft.

“ _Dear Rafael_ …hmm…good start. As insecure and nervous you appeared, I wouldn’t have expected you to be that bold. Very courageous.”, Rafael said with a smirk and Sonny glared at him.

“Glad I'm still able to serve for your amusement.”, Sonny grumbled and drank even more of his beer. Rafael looked up from the paper, realizing just how nervous exactly he was. Comfortingly, he rested his hand above Sonny’s, lacing his fingers with his, while he continued to read out:

“ _You're gone. It's strange. It’s been a week since you left and yet I can still feel you here. I can feel your eyes on me, but when I turn no one is there. I hear your voice in the hall, but when I round the corner it's someone else. You are gone, and it is strange, and it makes me sad every time. It feels like you’ve never left, but you did_.” Oh God, had he truly written that? How drunk had he been? The answer could only be: a lot. Rafael was definitely going to roll his eyes about it, though Sonny had to admit with it sounded way better in Rafael’s voice than inside his head. Though, slowly Sonny got the impression Rafael could read out a manual and Sonny would listen to it with diamonds shining in his eyes. Next to his character and fancy clothes, his voice had enthralled him most. It was dark and yet warm, powerful and yet soft. A complex construct just like his personality. With the wonderful voice, his simple words almost sounded like classic literature.

“ _I truly don’t know, how handle this mess and chaos, which your departure left behind. I feel like I should be mad with you, but all there is only disappointment. You were the man I looked up to, but you left without a word. Without granting me the chance of saying good-be and to tell you, what I had to say. How could you do this, Rafael? How could you do such a thing and then leave without an explanation? I don’t know what to think about it. I imagined I knew you and I truly want to believe that you had an honourable motivation, but something deep inside of me doesn’t believe it. You were the most righteous person I know, but everything my parents taught me, how I was raised, is yelling inside of me that it was wrong. I feel torn between those two cognitions and I would have needed to talk with you to sort this out. Didn’t I deserve a chance of a good-bye? Did the time we spent together irrelevant to you? Did I mean nothing to you?”_ Rafael blinked, staring blankly at the words as if they had hit him, pain clouding his eyes. “Sonny, I…”

“You don’t have to explain, Rafael.”, Sonny interrupted him with a sigh. “I was just hurt.”

“I didn’t said good-bye, because I…” His voice trailed off and he exhaled dramatically. “Well, because I was afraid of your reaction, I guess.”

“Rafa…”, he tried to reassure, but Rafael shook his head, his smile flickering.

“I deserve these words. I’m surprised you haven’t said them earlier.” Wonderful, green eyes looked up at him. “I’m sorry, Sonny. I shouldn’t have left without a word. That truly wasn’t what you deserve.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t.” Determinedly, Rafael shook his head, lifted Sonny’s hand and placed a soft kiss to his knuckles. “I’m glad you haven’t given up on me.”

“How could I? You’re amazing.”, Sonny said confused as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and Rafael appeared a little overwhelmed. That much that he snatched the beer bottle from Sonny and almost emptied it. “Rafael Barba drinks beer. I’d never expected to experience that day.”

“Very funny.”, he huffed and threw one of his famous, long side glances at him. “Now, that I’m embarrassed, let’s continue with you, shall we?”

“Sounds fair.” Sonny chuckled and nodded, but he hadn’t forgotten what exactly rested within the next lines.

“ _Because you did to me, Rafael. More than you could ever possibly know. I wish you wouldn’t have cut me off, when I tried to tell you. I had collected all of my courage to tell you, how much I appreciated that you took me under your wing and how much I admire you as a lawyer, but most of all…_ ” Rafael’s voice disappeared like fog on a morning as he realized the next words. Disbelievingly, he looked up at Sonny, a shimmer of wonder in his eyes, when he said the words, he had just read: “ _But most of all that I love you.”_

Sonny almost didn’t hear the last three words from how loud the blood was rushing through his ears and his cheeks were burning brightly red. His fingers twitched nervously around his bottle as he didn’t dare to look into Rafael’s eyes, which he felt as prickle on his skin.

Silence settled uncomfortably between them, something that actually never happened. They both were talkative, never missing of words and therefore not talking to each other was a state, which felt rather unpleasant. 

“You…love me?”, Rafael repeated with a thin, shaking voice and it sounded as if it was going to crumble any moment.

“Yes.” Sonny nodded, but still wasn’t looking up, while he tried to swallow his heart, which was beating in his throat. “That’s why I said it’s embarrassing. I just needed to get everything out, which had been coiling up inside of me and while writing it, I realised I’ve been in love with you for such a long time.”

“Sonny…” Silence again and Sonny began to hate it. It felt like they had become too close, the polarity changing, now and therefore, they were drifting apart. He had known it. As always, he got too much into something and pushed those things away, which meant most to him. The revelation had come too fast and Rafael would run away.

“Just ignore you ever read that. I’ll check dinner.” Quickly, Sonny tried to get up, trying to back out of this situation, but Rafael gripped his hand and pulled him back down.

“How could I ever possibly do that?”, he whispered and looked deeply moved at him and it wasn’t the reaction Sonny had expected. He had expected Rafael to laugh, to dismiss it as a joke, but there was nothing of it. This here was another side of Rafael. A softer side and time stood still between them, so many words, they couldn’t quite grasp, communicated through their eyes.

Sonny’s heart began to race, when Rafael leaned in and kissed him, carrying his soul in the movement of his lips and the world fell away.

“I love you, too, Dominick Carisi.”, Rafael whispered, when they dissolved and Sonny couldn’t believe his ears. Did Rafael truly say that or had he drunk more than a beer?

“Rafa…” His voice trembled from the tears burning in his eyes. It must be a dream. There could be no other explanation. There was no way that someone such as Rafael could…

“I’m here, Sonny.” A warm, gentle hand rested on his cheek, calming and anchoring, assuring Sonny that everything was real and not just a dream. “And it’s real. I mean it. I love you.”

Sonny swallowed and nodded. He should feel happy, shouldn’t he? But his heart shivered and he felt vulnerable.

“Hey, you look like I just broke up with you.” Rafael tried to smirk, but it fell, which made Sonny snort. They were truly two idiots.

“You love me.” A soft smile spread over his lips and he leaned into Rafael’s touch.

“As do you.” Rafael smirked amused and Sonny loved it. Oh, whom was he fooling? He loved everything about this man. “Could it truly be we admitted that we love each other on Valentine’s day?”

“We did.” His grin became even wider.

“Such a cliché.” Sonny laughed; his blue eyes finally had their old shine again and Rafael joined, their happiness filling the small flat.

“So, you know you’re in love with me for a year?” Rafael leaned back, his confident gleam in his eyes.

“I had a feeling you’d be smug about it.”

“Why have you never said anything?” Suddenly, all the amusement was gone out of Rafael’s voice.

“Because I thought there was no chance, you’d feel the same way.”

“Sonny…” Rafael appeared surprise and Sonny lowered his head in shame. “Hey, cariño, look at me.”

He widened his eyes and for a moment, Sonny was sure his heart was going to jump out of his throat today.

“How did you call me?”

“Cariño.”, Rafael said, his voice rolling so wonderfully and suddenly, the collar of his shirt felt too tight.

“Does it mean, what I think it does?”

“It does, dear one.” Rafael kissed him again. “I love you. I know ever since you left me on the porch and I felt how much it hurt to be left by you. I was truly happy, when you ran back to me.”

“Rafael…”

“You took my life by storm, Sonny and even though it bothered me at the beginning, I couldn’t help but to be enthralled by your personality. By your energy, your kindness, your passion. No matter, what was thrown at you, it didn’t bring you down. You stood up again with the same bright shine in your eyes and I adored it.” Sonny wanted to say something, but his throat was tight. He couldn’t believe that this was, how Rafael saw him. Even if he didn’t believe his words, Rafael’s eyes left no doubt behind.

“I adored you, Sonny, but now I love you.” Nothing kept Sonny in his chair anymore. From one moment to the other, he was over him, around him, his lips crashing against his, while tears of happiness rolled out of his eyes.

“You’re my dream.”, he whispered, breathing heavily.

“Okay, let me make one thing clear: you’re not allowed to win. Like ever. Not even in romantic declarations.”

“I know, Rafa.” Sonny rolled his eyes and laughed. “I worked with you. I know about your desire to win.”

Rafael snorted and nodded, before he ran his hand tenderly through Sonny’s salt-and pepper hair.

“How about I continue reading the letter in the bedroom?” Rafael’s voice and eyes turned dark and Sonny shifted on his chair.

“But dinner…”

“Can wait.” Sonny rolled his eyes, when he used his own words from earlier against him. Rafael stood up and invitingly hold out his hand. “Come, cariño.”

He literally purred his new endearment and Sonny felt, how his heart skipped a beat and he became weak in the knees.

“That…is unfair, love.”, Sonny said with a dry mouth, his blood going in a different direction. “That endearment combined with the voice of yours is going to be the death of me.”

“And you’re going to love it.” The smile was almost arrogant- the typical content, confident twitch of his lips, when he knew he had won.

“Yes.” Sonny took his hand and let Rafael pull him into the bedroom, the door falling close and both of them celebrated their anniversary differently than planned and yet as expected.

~*~

When another year came full circle, Rafael and Sonny left the register office hand in hand, the brightest and happiest grin on their faces- Rafael’s now covered in a full-beard. They were awaited by the squad and their family, waiting to congratulate them. The platinum rings around their fingers glistened in the winter sun.

The letter, which Sonny had written, hung framed in their bedroom, reminding them to never miss a chance and how words written out of despair lead to their greatest happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my little (well, not so little) Valentine story. Please let me know, what you think! =)
> 
> This marks my fifth Barisi fanfiction and I'm happy that I've started writing in this ship. I met so many wonderful people here.
> 
> I wish you all a wonderful day- no matter how you want to spend it.
> 
> Greetings, Subaru-chan =)


End file.
